i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
