All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
