alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
