I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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