when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
