she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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