You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
