This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
