Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
