then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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