Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize