I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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