speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
