the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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