I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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