I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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