cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
