Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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