i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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