I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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