just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
