oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
