my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
