Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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