DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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