His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
