Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize