1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
