wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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