dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
