He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
