Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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