I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
