help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize