i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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