respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
