Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
