you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
