haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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