Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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