I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
