Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
