My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just cropdusted the office
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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