I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
