I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
