so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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