Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
