Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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