I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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