Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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