please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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