well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
