My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
