Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
