just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize