Umm I'm too high to move.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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