I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
