At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
