I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
