I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
