did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
