this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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